Attachment Styless

Attachment styles are ways of relating to others, especially in moments of stress, conflict, and overwhelm.

They form as a response to childhood and adolescent experiences, as well as major relationships throughout our lives. In short, trauma has a major impact on our attachment patterns.

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There are 4 primary styles of attachment:

Secure:

• Able to communicate needs clearly and calmly
• Comfortable with closeness, intimacy, and independence
• Can navigate conflict, take responsibility, and repair while staying emotionally regulated

Anxious:

• Strong fear of abandonment and sensitivity to disconnection
• Seeks closeness through reassurance, validation, or over-accommodating
• Feels unsafe when a partner takes space
• To move toward secure attachment:
  
  • Learn to self-regulate and trust that connection remains safe even during distance

Avoidant:

• Overly self-reliant and uncomfortable with emotional closeness
• Minimizes needs and pulls away during conflict or stress
• Tends to shut down, distract, or intellectualize rather than feel
  
• To move toward secure attachment:
  
  • Practice staying present in emotional discomfort and allowing vulnerability in relationship
  • Practice regulating yourself while you’re in conflict and being vulnerable with her

Disorganized:

• Wants closeness but also fears it
• Experiences push–pull dynamics and emotional reactivity
• Struggles to feel safe in both connection and independence
  
• To move toward secure attachment:
  
  • Build nervous system safety (ie. practice regulating yourself) in both closeness and separation, learning to regulate in each

A reminder: There is no need to shame ourselves or say that our attachment patterns are bad. They are not bad, they are simply who we have been and who we are in this moment. It’s very common to not have a secure attachment style, and you can work to become more secure through building self-awareness, taking action to show up more securely, and doing healing work to help you feel more secure and regulated in yourself and your relationships.

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Reflection questions:

1. Which attachment pattern do I see most in myself? How does this play out in my relationship?
2. Which attachment pattern do I see most in my partner? How does this play out?
3. What attachment patterns do I see in each of my parents or primary caregivers?

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Recommended practices:

• Before moving on to the next video, practice 5 minutes of mindful body awareness. Either sit with your eyes closed and watch your breath and body sensations, or go back and listen to one of the guided practices provided in the previous modules.

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Further resources:

Book: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

The original research article on attachment styles: https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Phillip-Shaver/publication/19588648_Romantic_Love_Conceptualized_as_an_Attachment_Process/links/63d191c7e922c50e99c2b3fa/Romantic-Love-Conceptualized-as-an-Attachment-Process.pdf

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