Principles Of Holding Space

Holding space is about making it safe for your partner to feel her emotions, express her truth, and feel loved by you in all of it.

Women have different biologies and lived experiences than us and as a result they highly value feeling safe. They are often very sensitive to whether or not they feel safe. As men, it is ours to accept this reality, respect it, and ask, “how can I create the safety she desires?”

Polarity: the interplay between masculine and feminine dynamics and energies within us. When a man embodies the healthy masculine, leads in supportive ways, and helps her feel safe, she can soften into her feminine and shower you with her gifts.

An analogy for this is the swimming pool. The masculine is the pool. The feminine is the water. The masculine holds the feminine, supports its flow. Contains her. You take care of her. You create structure. You plan. You provide. You create safety for her, including for her emotions.

Holding space is one of the ways we do this.

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Principles of holding space:

• You are working to signal social engagement to the other person. You’re showing her safety through co-regulation – keeping yourself regulated so she can feel regulated. Use the grounding tools we’ve learned throughout the course as needed.
• Non-directive: You aren’t telling her what to do or trying to fix her or be overly-analytical. Instead, you’re focused on helping her feel safe to be in what she’s in. This is what often makes women feel supported, rather than being told what to do.
• 4 words to remember:
  • Grateful: You appreciate that she is bringing this to you.
  • Affirming: Saying yes to help her feel seen and validated. Paraphrase what she says to help show you understand it.
  • Curious: Show her you’re participating, interested, and want to know more.
  • Open: Let her guide the conversation. Ask before giving an opinion.
• Physical touch – a hand on her back, holding her hand, a hug. Remember, some women want you to ask them before you do these things. Often, it’s good to ask “does this feel good?” as you place a hand somewhere.
• When she gives you feedback, do your best not to get defensive. Try to understand what she’s feeling. Often, her complaint is not about the complaint itself, it’s the underlying feeling she has, that’s often bigger than just what she’s complaining about.

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Reflection questions:

1. How do I tend to show up when my partner feels emotional? Where do I notice she feels supported, and where does she get upset or close off?
2. How have I been dismissive, defensive, or taken her emotions personally in the past?
3. Are there any challenges that I tend to encounter when my partner when my partner feels emotional? Are there sensations or nervous system states (sympathetic, dorsal vagal) that I notice in certain moments?
4. What have I noticed about holding space for myself and sitting in my own discomfort that I can apply to holding space for her?
5. Do I tend to get defensive at times? What happens in my body when I do?

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Suggested practice: 

• Create a safety plan with your partner. How do you each want to be supported in moments of stress and overwhelm? What do your attachment styles suggest may happen, that you can each have more compassion for each other and what you need. What are ways you can ground together, and individually, in moments of conflict? How will you communicate that one of you is feeling overwhelmed?

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Suggested resources:

A man’s guide to holding space: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15xanbQoYeyLR3ZmWCslBd061TcQgiKbQo_hoSjRSCHE/edit?usp=sharing

The way of the superior man: https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320

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