Chapter 16: Sexual Attunement

Learn how to listen to her body.

When having sex, a lot of guys get excited and don’t notice the full spectrum of what happens in their interactions with her. When we’re too excited, we lose presence and focus on ourselves. Often this is what’s behind you cumming before her. When this happens, she doesn’t feel satisfied, and it’s become your individual experience, not a shared experience co-created by the two of you.

When you begin engaging in sex, notice the energy you’re bringing her from the day. Notice how each thing you do makes her feel – from the moment you get home and greet her. She might not always tell you what she feels, especially if it’s something that makes her feel unsafe.

A big one to be careful of here is anything that makes her feel enclosed or trapped. Grabbing her and throwing her against the wall can feel sexy for you but might feel like rape for her. Similarly, when you go to grab her head and kiss her, ask her if she feels good as you do it, or if she wants you to do anything differently. Invite her into sexuality and kissing through words, not just by looking at her and coming in full force and kissing her.

While you’re having sex, pay attention. Listen to every detail of her body. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN (literally). The tantric teachings invite us to have slow, deeply aware sex that can last endlessly, because we don’t build heat or pressure – instead of rushing to orgasm, we listen to one another’s bodies and appreciate every detail of the experience.

On a regular basis, ask her if she likes what you’re doing. Before sex, ask if there’s anything she wants from you. Tell her what you want and ask how it feels for her. Throughout your time having sex, notice how each new position or movement feels for her.

Be careful with getting carried away taking control from her. Invite her to set the rhythm. Ask if she wants to lead. When you want to take over, ask if you can lead. This is all part of consent.

Never stop being curious about her experience. There is always more to learn and notice. Try new things. Keep noticing. This turns sex into one of the most potent mindfulness practices we can have.

Questions to journal on and discuss with her:

• What feels really good for her in sex? What feels really good for you? List things about speed, areas to touch and what type of touch, positions, forms of foreplay and aftercare, and anything else that comes up.
• What doesn’t feel good for you and for her in sex?
• When do you feel most connected with each other in sex? When does it feel like you’re just having sex and not feeling connected?